"I think I've heard of Alissa. You guys are talking about Smooch's Alissa, right?" - Erica

"I knew a girl who thought that getting a breast reduction would make her look thinner. Now she looks like a fat girl with small boobs." - Olaf

"I'm farting everywhere! If someone had a heat sensor, they'd see lots of little red balls behind me." - Amanda McCreary

"You guys can't even sodomize me properly." - Pledge Mike, blindfolded in the back of Crispy's car on the way to the pledge raid, after we made a wrong turn

"It would be terrible to date a smoker. There would always be smoke, going into your lungs! And it wouldn't even be marijuana!" - Michele

"Smooch's sheep was all about being petted, but she wouldn't eat his carrot." - Stephanie

"I swear, my breasts weigh more than that girl." - Emily

Butch: "How did you get into that class?"
Rachael Clark: "By giving the professor head, Butch! Lots and lots and lots of head!" (Butch is shocked)
Rachael: "I was just saying it before you got a chance."

Conclave Service Project Coordinator: "These are going to a youth prevention center!" Smooch: "Meaning .... they prevent youth?"

"OH MY GOD, IT'S MR. WIZARD!!!" - Judy, in the middle of an otherwise somber re-dedication ceremony

"Of course I remember you. Only twice in the history of this bar have we not been able to close because there was somebody puking in the bathroom." - Charlie's manager, to Rachel White

"I wish I was older. Do you ... like jazz?" - Elderly janitor at Conclave, macking on Stephanie

"I'm not so sure I like this." - Mother at the Livestock Classic, after a calf shoved its head into her son's crotch

"I've got wood! Does anyone have sheep?" - Said repeatedly throughout the semester at 18 Sunrise Ave.